3 Tips That Lead To Forgiveness
Love me when I least deserve it ...
POSTED BY JACKY SHERMAN ON 25/11/2015 @ 8:00AM
By now, if you 've been reading my blog posts or other literature about networking - or just working from your own experience - you will know that referrals grow out of trusting relationships ...
Unless you've been hiding in a cave all your life, you will also know that sooner or later, someone who you thought you could trust will let you down.
Now they, of course, are the same person, however, the context in which you are operating has changed over time and maybe your relationship has never been tested in that area. Maybe you can give them a break?
"Here are three stories drawn from my experience that offers you food for thought!"
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it most." I struggled a bit with this Swedish proverb when I first heard it. I think it is the use of the word love, which is an intense emotion.
However understanding what is happening for the other person that led to them letting you down can lead to compassion and a helping hand rather than writing them off,or worst still getting into a fight. Here's a wonderful example of how it led to collaboration and a better result for all.
Two senior men in a company had a major fall out. By the time I got involved to mediate, one refused to even be in the room with the other. His reason? He required input from his colleague in order to complete his own work and he was constantly missing deadlines because his colleague wasn't forthcoming. As a result he had to deal with a lot of angry customers.
One angry customer too many and he confronted his colleague in what turned into a shouting match that got completely out of hand. What he didn't know was that his colleague was suffering from extreme work overload alongside some personal crisis and had, after this row, been found staring at his computer frozen for two hours.
All he knew was his colleague had been signed off with "stress" following the row. Once I gained his colleague's permission to share with him what was really happening, he completely changed and showed immediate huge compassion for his colleague.
They ended up working up a plan on how they could jointly manage their workload and their MD's expectations on what was possible.
"What are you expecting this person to do for you that you are not willing to do yourself?"
This is a really tough question to ask yourself when you're angry with someone. We spend so much energy justifying our own position we rarely look at the root of what made us react with anger.
I had a Jewish client who was estranged from his son who had married a Christian girl. His rationale was that his grandchildren would not be Jewish, as according to his faith, the faith of the children is defined through the mother.
He was prepared to accept this woman if she converted, which she had refused to do. As a result he refused to have her in his house. His light bulb moment was to realise that he was asking this woman to do something he was unwilling to do - change her faith. As a result of this insight he gained respect for her as she shared this strong spiritual value with him.
My pleasure in this, was hearing about the celebratory dinner he had with his son and daughter-in-law to celebrate their marriage. And the question about children? Well, they will be better informed to decide their own faith when they grow up now that they have access to their Jewish grandparents.
"People are doing the best they can with the resources they have available!"
This statement challenges you to accept that people start out with good intentions. It may be that they just do not have the knowledge or skills available to deliver what they promised.
If someone is doing something for you, it is easy to assume they have all the information and know-how to go about the task and get the right result, as a result you hand over to them completely.
Like many of you who network, I have received a 'bad referral'. That is, someone in my network group passed me a referral and when I phoned the person up, they had no idea why their friend has given me their name and they had no requirement for what I offered.
My first reaction was that my contact was game playing. We belonged to a group that required referrals and I thought he was just making up his numbers for the week.
I was pretty cross with him. When I fed back to him he was surprised. He actually is comfortable with cold calling so considered any contact was a great opportunity to get through to a decision maker and build the business from there.
Now for me cold calling is my least favourite activity and I wasn't prepared for it with this telephone call. I had assumed he had asked all the right questions and his contact had a need and was eager to meet me.
"What I hadn't done was properly brief him on how to refer me!"
I never told him how to identify a need for my services and how to facilitate the introduction. As well as this, I had failed to check in with him about what he had said to his contact and what he was expecting from my call.
In fact, I'd abdicated all responsibility based on the fact that our personal relationship was so positive and I nearly lost the relationship altogether as a result.
So My Referral Tip this week is to go back and re-evaluate the reasons someone in your network circle let you down. Are you willing to forgive them yet? What could you do to re-build trust with this person as you may end up with a better relationship in the end.
Check what is going on for them. They may be having a bad time at present and you may be able to help them through it. Perhaps with a referral to someone else in your network?
If you're still angry with them check if you are willing to do what you asked of them. If your first reaction is yes, I recommend you get a trained coach to challenge you. You may be surprised what you learn about you. Check you gave them the help they needed to deliver for you?
"Were you asking too much? Were they well briefed? Or did you abdicate all responsibility?"
Want to learn more about building productive referral relationships? Why not call me today on 07970 638857 or click here to ping over an email and let's see how I can help you.
Until next time ...
More about Jacky Sherman ...
I help people build and maintain productive working relationships both with their work colleagues and with a wider network to win more business. I do this by combining my skills in coaching, mediation and training with my extensive experience in senior management.
What I love most about my work is when my clients get those â€œahaâ€ moments because I know they have seen for themselves the way that they want to move forward. Then they will achieve their ambitions.
Helping people who are having challenges with their working relationships gives me enormous pleasure. It was my privilege when working in health care to see how people working together can make the impossible seem easy and accomplish miracles as a result.
So helping people build or restore strong relationship with their colleagues makes even the hardest work easier, alleviates distress for the individual and reduces problems for the whole organisation.
In all this work trust is an essential ingredient to winning business so most of my work comes through referrals. Referrals come through strong business relationships so it was a natural extension for me to work with Ascentiv and train others in how to get consistent and predictable referrals from their network.
What a fantastic way to earn a living!
More blog posts for you to enjoy ...